So frustrating!

I hate the fact that I had cancer. It doesn't just go away, sure my body no longer has cancer, but my mind and my emotions are overwhelmed with thoughts about it. I have a pin on my purse that says cancer sucks, and when people ask me about it, I tell them openly about my story, but some people really don't get it... they think cervical cancer only consists of a few bad cells on a pap smear, I know, I was one of those people! I've had bad cells, I've had a colposcopy to get rid of those cells, I assure you, its not the same thing! Nobody wants to hear their pap smear came back abnormal, it's scary, I know. But finding out you have tumor while your pregnant and then finding out you have cancer is waaaayyyy scarier! So when random women try to compare their abnormal pap/colposcopy with my cancer/chemo/radiation I can't have sympathy anymore! I did for a while, b/c I've been in their shoes and yes it's scary, but it's not the same!!!! And why do people find it appropriate to ask if I can have kids again? I will have this conversation with any friend at anytime, but if you're my dental assistant who read my chart and saw I had cervical cancer, its not appropriate! No, cannot have kids and it's not my choice, that choice was taken away from me! And to my friends, none of this applies to you :) You guys can ask me any question about anything and I'll answer it :) and if you every have an abnormal pap and are scared, I'll be there to support you.

It just amazes me how naive people really are, and I just hope that my story helps educate them.

Anyway, I hope venting about all of this will help clear my head, I just wish none of this happened...

If I could write a letter to cancer, it would go like this....

Dear Cancer,

You really do suck, it's not just a saying! You have been taking people from me since I was a kid, first my uncle, then my aunt, then my grandmother, but you couldn't take me! You have devastated my family time after time, but this time I prevailed, and you didn't win! Because of you my life will never be the same, you're the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. The good memories of my journey with you are few and far between, and they are over shadowed by all the bad memories. Everyday I relive the moment I was told I have a tumor, the moment I was told I have cancer, and the moment I was told it spread. I would love to think about the moments I was told my scans were clear, but those moments are overcome with fear of "what if they aren't clear." You took the joy out of my pregnancy, and that's something I'll never get back. My family has suffered because of you, but we are also stronger because of you. I will never take life for granted, because it was so close to being taken away from me. I have won this battle, but I know the war is not over. If you ever decide to show your ugly face again, I will be ready to fight. You may have broken me down, but I got up, and will never fall again!

I'm Back!! And Feeling GOOD!

I'm not really sure where to begin... I should probably say sorry for ignoring everyone for the past 2 months and then say thank you for not being mad at me for it! It was easier to ignore phone calls and emails then to have to explain how bad I really felt, not to mention some days I didn't even have the energy to pick up the phone, and that's not an exaggeration!

Everyone has had a lot of questions about how my treatment was, so I'll start from the beginning...

I didn't realize how aggressive they were being in my treatment, had I known, I'm not sure I would have agreed to it! First of all, I thought chemo and radiation were always given at the same time, but that's not the case. Getting both at the same time make you way sicker, and then on top of that they threw in a second chemo, now I understand why my radiation Dr. was hesitant to agree to the treatment plan!

My treatment consisted of chemo once a week and radiation everyday M-F for 5 weeks. In the beginning things were going great, I didn't have any side effects from the chemo, the radiation made me tired and I had some GI side effects, but nothing I couldn't handle. Then came week 2.... I was nauseous and the meds weren't working, but I could still handle it. I was even more tired and I got my port-a-cath placed, which FYI sucks to have placed, I felt like I got beaten in the chest with a baseball bat, but once I healed it was totally worth not getting an IV stick 3+ times a week! And then there was week 3, everything from this point on is a blur, I was sooooooo sick! My counts starting dropping, I could barely get out of bed, none of the nausea medicine worked, not even marinol! I cried when I woke up in the morning because the thought of getting out of bed was exhausting, but I had to, I refused to delay any of the radiation treatments no matter how bad I felt, and I had the option to hold off if it got too tough, but I just wanted to finish. In the end I barely left my room except to go to treatment, I couldn't even hold Kaitlyn b/c it took to much energy, it was bad... Addy would come up to my room and watch cartoons with me, it was one of the only happy times during those last couple of weeks...

Then it was over! Like I said those weeks were a blur... My Dr said I did better than he expected, which made feel a little better, I guess he expected me to end up in the hospital at some point, but I'm a pretty awesome patient, so I made it through without any setbacks! Now that the hard part was over I was scheduled to get internal radiation. I also had the option of getting more chemo, it wasn't standard protocol for my Dr, he was basing my treatment off of a new study on patients who's cancer had spread to other organs(which mine hadn't), like I said, he was being aggressive! After some careful consideration I decided against it, I didn't think my body could handle it, at my last dose of chemo my ANC was 400 and my platelets where in the 30's, my H/H was dropping, at that point I felt like we had been aggressive enough, I reached my limit!

Internal radiation, it's as horrible as it sounds! To make a long story short, they put a metal stick with prongs into my cervix and shoot radiation directly to the site, it hurts! I had 4 rounds of this treatment, 2 per week. The first time they placed the device I was under general anesthesia, the second time I was only given PO ativan and pain meds during the placement, I have never felt pain like that in my life, so it was back to the OR for the last two rounds! The whole ordeal was not fun, I'll spare you the details!

And that's it! That has been my life for the past couple of months! I have now moved on to numerous follow up appointments and multiple exams, all privacy has been given up, I think every Army Dr has seen my goods! Small price to pay to be cancer free! I will have to be seen every 3 months for 2 years and then every since months for 3 years.

I have a scan next week to make sure there is still no evidence of cancer anywhere, I will post something as soon as I have the results, which shouldn't be until the 8th.

FYI, should be coming back to Jax in October :)

Thanks for all your continued support, I may not have shown it or said it, but it's what got me through my toughest days, and I can't thank you all enough :)

The Good, The Bad, and the not so pretty!

So it's been a while since I've updated, but this chemo/radiation is kicking my ass! I keep telling myself if it's kicking my ass it's kicking cancer's ass too... but man, it sucks!

I have finished week 3, and I have 3 more weeks of regular treatment, then it goes into "clean-up" mode, then I'm done, but who's counting!?

So the good, I'm almost halfway through, that's about all I have good to say :)

The bad, I am so tired! My brother and family were here this week and I was lucky to stay up past 8pm, after taking a three hour nap! I feel like I could sleep all day, and this weekend I think I have! I'm trying to stay hydrated, but I am failing pretty badly at that!

I'll spare everybody from the "not so pretty" somethings should be left off of facebook!

All in all I think I've done pretty well, I wish I had the energy to write more, but it's 720pm and close to my bedtime :)

Thanks everyone for your continued prayers and well wishes, it really does make this easier on me knowing I have such awesome support! I'll try to write more when I feel up to it, but I have no idea when that will be!

Things are looking up!!

Most of you probably already know that the cancer *DID NOT* spread, but I just like to say it over and over again!!!

I had my PET scan first thing Friday morning and didn't expect to get the results until tomorrow. But luckily and unfortunately I had a fluid pocket in my incision that the Doctor drained earlier in the week and it started to look infected, so I stopped by the clinic to get it checked out. While I was there seeing the clinic resident, my Doctor's nurse came by to tell me that if I would hang out a few more hours I could get my results! I had already been at the hospital for 4 hours what's a couple more?!

Let me walk you through a typical day at the hospital for me, because 'nothing' seems to go normal when I'm there! First, we got an awesome parking spot, just steps from the door, I was hoping I didn't use up all of my good luck on a parking spot! So it started off with my PET scan, which I was scared about, but that was the most awesome test I've ever had!!! First they started an IV, and the guy was great, I didn't even bruise! Then they injected me with a radioactive agent, it's pretty serious looking injection that comes in a 4lb metal case, kinda creepy! Then they made me sit in a recliner for an hour in a dark quiet room all by myself and told me a could take a nap while the radioactive agent went to work, I could take a nap... this test is great! Then they put me on a bed for 20 minutes, moved me in and out of a tube, and I took another nap! I could have a PET scan every week if they wanted me to! Then I headed off to the clinic to get my incision looked at, praying they didn't poke around at it because I didn't take any pain medicine before going, last time they 'looked' at I got poke with the wooden end of q-tip, ouch!! The resident wasn't comfortable messing with it b/c he didn't want to make things worse, enter sigh of relief b/c it hurt just thinking about it! In comes my Doctors nurse to tell me to hang out for a few hours and he would check out my incision and give me my results, how's that for service, I'm like a rockstar in that hospital!!

After killing some time and waiting for Will to make it to the hospital for my impromptu appointment we see the Doctor, he was still waiting to hear back from the Radiologist on my results so he decided to once again jam the business end of a q-tip in my abdomen to see of he could drain the fluid, FANTASTIC!

Finally... Will, my mom and myself are waiting for the news. In comes the Doctor and I could see it all over his face before he even said the words 'YOUR SCAN IS NEGATIVE!' It's like he came in skipping! I love my Doctor! He is so straight to the point! And he really took it personally when he found the cancer on my lymphnode. He said that he wants to treat me as aggressively as possible because cervical cancer that spreads is considered incurable... And he knows I can handle it! I have such I good outlook on the treatment, I don't care what he does or how horrible it makes me feel, I don't want cancer anymore and the thought of dying scares the shit out of me!

I feel like I am too young to have to go through this, but youth is definitely on my side! Until Friday afternoon I was so scared of the possibility that this could be incurable, that I could die, that I wouldn't get to watch my girls grow up, that I would leave Will alone... There are so many things I haven't done/seen, we always said there would be time for it later, when our kids are older. Well, I realize now that life is a gift. And it can not be taken for granted! You can't put a price on it, and I won't ever again! I don't care how much debt I rack up, when this is over with, I'm doing anything and everything I want! Eventually I'll be able to work again and pay it all off!

I know this journey is no where near being over, we've barely even started! I am so thankful for all the help/love/prayers, I was starting to lose hope after the initial results of my surgery. I am so lucky to have such a strong support system. Poor Will may not know what to say when I randomly start crying, but having his shoulder to cry on is all I need, he's my rock! Our moms have been such a huge help with watching the girls so I could recover and taking care of all the housework, we are so lucky! I'm not sure how I will ever thank them enough!

So F*** You Cancer!! You may have won the first battle, but I will win the war!!!!

Finally, An Update :)

I have been trying to update the blog for over a week now... I just couldn't seem to find the time! Not to mention if I talk about the new situation it makes it a reality, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that...

The original plan was for me to have a radical hysterectomy and be cancer free, that meant no more babies, lots of physical changes but most importantly no cancer... well that didn't happen! So here's how my surgery day unfolded, sorry if this grosses some people out :)

I had my steroid shots as planned to help the babies lung maturity and then I was admitted before lunch time on Sunday the 10th, we started a Magnesium infusion to help with brain function for the baby, it was supposed to make me feel horrible, I had heard terrible things!!! But I felt great! I few hot flashes here and there, but no nausea or extreme tiredness, it couldn't have gone any better! Then the fun really started... the bowel prep! I let Will go home and my mom stayed with me at the hospital, I figured if something bad happened during my surgery I didn't want his last memory of me being me shitting my brains out! So it usually starts working after the first couple of cups you drink, but it didn't, it didn't work for 12 hours! I was up all night long! It made me so sick, I had to drink 4 liters of this stuff and it didn't work, it just sat in my stomach, it was horrible! God Bless the nurse that sat in the bathroom with me, she was a real trooper, and she had also just been diagnosed with cancer so we had something to talk about! And my poor mom... my poor, poor mom! Anyway, after success on the toilet and a few good hours of sleep I was ready to go! Will came in bright in early the morning of my surgery, we had to finalize Kaitlyn's name, nothing like waiting until the last minute! I had fifty different doctors, anesthesiologist, and nurses in and out of my room before my surgery, it was a mad house. But I didn't care, I was ready! I wanted it to be over with, I wasn't scared... until they put me in the wheelchair to head of to the OR...

In the OR it was controlled chaos! There were people everywhere, I had to "relax" when they put my epidural in... I was ready to say screw it and knock me out, but I soldiered through it b/c I knew that I would get the chance to see Kaitlyn before the 'real' surgery started! It seemed like forever before my epidural started working and they started the surgery. I will say that all of my IV sticks and my art line were painless, so kudos to the staff that put them in! Will was able to come in and be there when Kaitlyn was born and I had Dr. Vedder and Dr. Batts from the NICU to work on Kaitlyn so I knew she was in good hands, they talked to me the whole time to tell me what they were doing to her. Kaitlyn cried immediately, but I swear it seemed like forever until I got to see her! As soon as I saw her I asked to be put to sleep, I was sooooo scared and nervous for my surgery that I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it all!

Then I woke up... it sucked... I hurt ALOT!!! But not only did I wake up in pain, I woke up to a nurse telling me she was going to massage my uterus... My uterus??? I'm not supposed to have one of those! But I quickly realized that I had a uterus because I had cancer... that was a sucky moment!! My doctors and my family all told me the news... they found a lymphnode that was covered with cancer, from my understanding the other lymphnodes were OK, but I we'll get more clarification on that this week. My doctor was obviously mad about the whole situation, it wasn't what he expected to find... he searched my entire abdomen, ouch! He moved my ovaries up so hopefully radiation won't kill them, and removed the affected lymphnode and surrounding tissue... it was pretty painful, I can't even imagine how much I would have been in if they did the radical hysterectomy...

So for now we are waiting until I can have a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else, I have that on the 29th. The plan is to have radiation and a low-dose chemo, starting as soon as a heal, so probably in a few weeks.

I still don't understand why the MRI's never showed any signs of cancer... I have always believed God has a plan and we will never give us more than we can handle, so my only logic is that we would have terminated the pregnancy if my initial MRI showed cancer, but it didn't and now we have another beautiful baby girl! Because my lymphnode was cancerous I didn't have a hysterectomy b/c I need those organs to protect my abdomen during radiation, which sucks, but I didn't have a hysterectomy... so my recovery from surgery was a lot easier and the surgery itself was safer, and I'm not going through menopause at the age of 26! So yeah, it wasn't the way we expected it to work out, but it is what it is... Maybe radiation won't be so bad, maybe it will be easier on my body than a hysterectomy would have been. All I can hope for now is that the cancer didn't spread and after my treatments this will be all over! I'm still pretty optimistic... I don't think things have really sunk in yet, I'm still waiting to have my meltdown! I've come close!

I am so lucky to have such amazing family and friends, I have no idea how I could ever repay any of them for all of the help, love and support I have gotten through this whole ordeal! I may not show it all the time or even say it as much as I should, but I am so thankful! I hope my moodiness hasn't made anyone too mad at me :) But these post-baby hormones are no joke!

On another note... Kaitlyn is doing great! She immediately cried at delivery, but she did have a few issues. She needed oxygen for about a week, but she is doing awesome now! She finally started to eat on her own and we expect her to come home tomorrow, typically they would have held her a few more days to make sure she's eating well, but being a NICU nurse has it's benefits! They trust me enough to be able to take her home! It is going to be a Happy Easter at the Berry house!

Happy Easter Everyone!!!!

Reality Check...

Next time I post, I should be cancer free!

So it's 3AM and I can't sleep, not uncommon these days, but since every room in my house is occupied by family I am sitting in the corner of my room trying to type softly to not wake up Will :) I figured now is a good time to update the blog, hey at least I'm not up crying which is what usually happens, I get up to pee in the middle of the night and I end up staying up for 2hrs crying! I was going to make phone calls to my Florida friends and family, but I'm not sure the other five sleeping people in the house would appreciate it, so it will have to wait!

So I have had all of my pre-op appointments and everything is set, in a little over 48hrs I will have a new baby girl, no more baby making parts, and hopefully no more cancer!

Apparently I am a pretty popular case at Tripler Army Medical Center... I think I am up to 8 Doctors that I am aware of that will be in the OR during my surgery, a few being 1st year med students, I'm all for a teaching hospital, but they better not touch me! Every time I meet a new Dr. they tell me they have heard about me, the least they could have done is giving a special parking spot!

I had my first steroid shot in the bum yesterday for the baby's lung maturity and then I get another tomorrow, and then I get admitted in Sunday to start a drug that is typically used in pre-term labor but it's side-effect for the baby is decreased risk of some neurological issues like cerebral palsy, which I am all for, but this drug sucks and I'm going to spend my last few hours feeling like I'm hungover... I can't catch a break!

So we had the "what if" talk last night... Will asked me on the way to movies, probably so I couldn't avoid him or run away! I remember having this same conversation before he left for Iraq, but now the tables have turned... it's me we're having to worry about... So we quickly discussed my end of life wishes and that was that, kind of like peeling of a band-aid! He started making jokes about it before I even had time to cry, that's why I love him! The surgery is very serious, but that is a very extreme outcome! I haven't thoroughly discussed with my Dr what outcomes and changes I will go through after my hysterectomy, it's much different from a regular hysterectomy, and since this really isn't elective I decided I wouldn't ask until after it was done... but of course I couldn't let it go! I became like the same patients I complain about, doing research on the internet is the devil! People rarely post about the good outcomes, the people who discuss things are the people who have had issues and are looking for help... not a smart choice for me to do right before I go to bed, so Will shut off my phone and told me the surgery was not elective so we would deal with whatever comes our way... did I mention I love him :)

It's now 4AM and Will is up, oops! I guess I'll try to go back to sleep....

I will try to update everyone while in the hospital... but I will definitely have Will post on facebook a picture of the baby and of course how I'm doing :)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am sooooooo blessed and thankful to have such amazing friends and family... I know I haven't spoken personally to many lately, but my coping tactic is avoidance :) But I've learned that not talking about it doesn't make it go away! So thanks for loving me anyway!

3 1/2 weeks!!

So it has occurred to me that my life will be completely different in 3 1/2 weeks. We'll have a new baby and if all goes well I will be cancer free... 3 1/2 weeks, that's it! No wonder I wake up in a panic every morning! I feel like I have soooo much to do to get ready for the upcoming events, but absolutely no energy to get anything done! Being pregnant with a toddler is tough!

This past week my co-workers threw me a baby shower, I certainly am thankful for the material things, but I am so grateful to have such a great support system! It meant so much to me to know that I had their support and well wishes.

We also toured the NICU on Friday, I am well aware of what's going to happen during Baby Berry's stay, but I needed Will to see it for himself, I think it's always better to come from the healthcare provider, not me... It's way smaller than the NICU I work in, but I am familiar with Dr's so I have no doubts she'll be in great hands! I also found out which NICU doc will be at my delivery, Dr. Batts for all my NICU friends :) I'm pretty excited about that!

Monday is my LAST MRI, so as long as everything is still clear, our delivery date is set for 4/11/11. I have 2 Dr. appointments on 3/30 one with oncology, one with my OB, to cover any last minute issues/questions and talk about what to expect for my surgery. Then my FINAL pre-op appointment is 4/5 with the OB who will be there during my surgery, since my OB I've been seeing will be off service... That's it!!

Well, since everyone in the house is taking a nap except for me, maybe I should try to get some of these things checked off my to-do list :)

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers :)