So frustrating!

I hate the fact that I had cancer. It doesn't just go away, sure my body no longer has cancer, but my mind and my emotions are overwhelmed with thoughts about it. I have a pin on my purse that says cancer sucks, and when people ask me about it, I tell them openly about my story, but some people really don't get it... they think cervical cancer only consists of a few bad cells on a pap smear, I know, I was one of those people! I've had bad cells, I've had a colposcopy to get rid of those cells, I assure you, its not the same thing! Nobody wants to hear their pap smear came back abnormal, it's scary, I know. But finding out you have tumor while your pregnant and then finding out you have cancer is waaaayyyy scarier! So when random women try to compare their abnormal pap/colposcopy with my cancer/chemo/radiation I can't have sympathy anymore! I did for a while, b/c I've been in their shoes and yes it's scary, but it's not the same!!!! And why do people find it appropriate to ask if I can have kids again? I will have this conversation with any friend at anytime, but if you're my dental assistant who read my chart and saw I had cervical cancer, its not appropriate! No, cannot have kids and it's not my choice, that choice was taken away from me! And to my friends, none of this applies to you :) You guys can ask me any question about anything and I'll answer it :) and if you every have an abnormal pap and are scared, I'll be there to support you.

It just amazes me how naive people really are, and I just hope that my story helps educate them.

Anyway, I hope venting about all of this will help clear my head, I just wish none of this happened...

If I could write a letter to cancer, it would go like this....

Dear Cancer,

You really do suck, it's not just a saying! You have been taking people from me since I was a kid, first my uncle, then my aunt, then my grandmother, but you couldn't take me! You have devastated my family time after time, but this time I prevailed, and you didn't win! Because of you my life will never be the same, you're the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. The good memories of my journey with you are few and far between, and they are over shadowed by all the bad memories. Everyday I relive the moment I was told I have a tumor, the moment I was told I have cancer, and the moment I was told it spread. I would love to think about the moments I was told my scans were clear, but those moments are overcome with fear of "what if they aren't clear." You took the joy out of my pregnancy, and that's something I'll never get back. My family has suffered because of you, but we are also stronger because of you. I will never take life for granted, because it was so close to being taken away from me. I have won this battle, but I know the war is not over. If you ever decide to show your ugly face again, I will be ready to fight. You may have broken me down, but I got up, and will never fall again!